Growing up in Scotland had it's drawbacks. On one hand there was a great abundance of hot, older guys for me to ogle. On the other, there is everything else. I don't really mean that...well....no - no, there were many positives to growing up in Scotland. Many a lovely summer's afternoon (or 'braw day' to coin the Scottish vernacular) was spent leaning out my window watching hot, chubby neighbour mowing the lawn with his top off and his tight brown, Farrah trousers halfway down his arse. Is it my imagination or are' builder's bums' becoming rarer nowadays? Across the street lived a lovely, burly daddy who had silver white hair (he was in his early fifties at the time). Not so much one for taking his top off but his shirts and trousers were always tight in the areas that counted. Well you would stare out your window wouldn't you?
As a geographical lesson for some of you, Scotland is part of the UK along with England, Wales & Northern Ireland. Note that does not mean we are the same country, we are four countries (or three and a bit of another one) that co-exist as a United Kingdom. Just to be difficult, Scotland has it's own legal system, it's own educational system, it's own governance of the Health Care policies and now, it's own parliament. It also has it's own version of the UK money. Which was an absolute pain in the arse when you visited England. For many a year, shopkeepers in England would look at a Scottish £10 note as if you had handed them a turd with a Nazi flag stuck in it. "But it's legal tender - it's still the pound sterling" became the most uttered phrase by Scottish people visiting England (well second most after 'Same again, pal'). However, probably the most stark contrast between living in Scotland and living anywhere else in the UK was television.
Make no mistakes - Scottish TV was fucking awful. It pretty much still is to be honest. It wasn't just that we would be forced to watch some shitty, BBC Scotland 'comedy'. It was that we were forced to watch these terrible things at the expense of something awesome that was on everywhere else in the UK. To this day, I still have recurring nightmares involving the phrase "And now, the network premiere of 'The Empire Strikes Bank' "(at this point, I would be hyperactive state of excitement at the thought of watching a fantastic film I had never seen but had all the toys of) but then that sentence was followed by "except for viewers in Scotland". Instead we got treated to the live carpet bowling semi-final hosted by Archie MacPherson. While the rest of the UK got to follow the adventures of Luke and Han, we got to watch a very dull man with one of the worst combovers in history (it has now been outlawed under the Geneva Convention) point at some very unattractive men folding their arms and smoking pipes as they rolled some balls down a green baize. So, it was off to the window again.
One of the shows that most exemplified Scottish TV in the 1970s and 80s was a terrible soap opera called 'Take the High Road'. Yes, even the title couldn't be more Scottish if it was dressed in tartan, got drunk and vomited on your shoes. Set in the sleepy, gouge-your-eyes-out-due-to-boredom, village of Glendarroch, the show followed the lives of incredibly unattractive community of farmers, shopkeepers and gentry. Soap operas in the UK are different to those in the US in that they tend to focus on a more working class, environment. Unlike today's murder & sex fueled soaps. soap operas in the early 1980s could string at least three episodes about someone giving the shopkeeper the wrong change. It was gentler time. And awful. But one day, my two worlds collided as something very tasty appeared in 'Take the High Road'. A beefy, heavy-set, growly actor by the name of Ron Donachie. I fancied the pants off him then, but frankly he has got better looking with age. Ron has went on to appear in shit loads of film and TV including Titanic, Doctor Who, Game of Thrones and The Jungle Book. Pretty much always playing a tough, growly Scotsman. Equally buttfuck-able clean-shaven as with facial hair, he was the subject of many a night touching my special place (that's my penis if you are wondering). Is it too much to ask that he get's naked in a film at some point? Come on Ron, all the cool kids are doing it.
Leonardo is such a lucky bastard. Ron Donachie handcuffs him then fucks him right? If I'm going to drown on an ocean liner that's totally how I want it to happen.
Ron Donachie glared intently at the man across from him. Mainly so that he didn't have to look at the ugly bastard in the middle
"Why yes. Yes - I'd love to answer two questions about which room of the house I'd most like to decorate"
Deleted from the theatrical release, this is the scene where Ron Donachie's character fucks the handcuffed Jack whilst Rose watches (like one of his French girls)