Friday, 23 December 2011

The Best and Worst thing about Christmas

Given the nature of this blog, most readers will have a thing (boner) for a certain Mr Claus.  He is pretty much the definitive daddybear.  A hot, bearded, full-bodied man who comes into your house once a year and gives you presents?  Who wouldn't want that?  He's strong and kind, slightly authoritarian, apparently has lots of energy and is covered in white fur.  He is known by many a name around the world, Santa Claus, Father Christmas (England), Father Frost (Russia), Saint Nicholas, Pere Noel (France).  In Scotland he is known as 'Paw Jinglebaws' (that's a complete lie).  All these different names are the exact same behaviours exhibited by gay men on websites.  This only strengthens my belief that Santa is indeed real and is looking for a good man.

The great thing about Christmastime, is that we are subjected to a lot of Santa imagery.  And it's important that you have good imagery so that you can have your traditional Christmas Eve wank about him.  If you don't wank about him before you go to sleep that night, he definitely won't come to your house.  I have to admit that Coca Cola have done some really nice Santa wank material imagery in the past (and they are not responsible for the colour of his outfit, that came from the poem 'A Visit from St Nicholas').  I like that they keep his hair on top reasonably short and a little balding.  I don't like my Santa long haired.  But not all Santa imagery is that great.  So I am going to show you some lovely Santa imagery and some......not so nice pictures.  I can't say that I have captured every nice image, there are a lot of them and after a while they kinda blur.  There is a risk that between the hot Santas and the awful Santas you may find your penis going up and down like a whore's underwear.  Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza and have an awesome Winter Solstice to all!

Nice Santa
How cute is that?  Real beard, sweet smile.  I'd be very happy to wake up to that Santa emptying his sack in bedroom

Bad Santa
This Santa has apparently mistaken the child for a bottle of Jack Daniels.  This decidedly hobo-looking version of Santa will be pure nightmare fuel for that child for years to come.

Good Santa
The 'looking over his glasses' look does it for me.  It also suggests pure, unadulterated sexual intent.  Look, it works for me okay?

Bad Santa
This is George Wendt in a film called 'Santa Baby'.  Or possibly Barbossa in 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.  Santa's tentacle beard strangles bad children.

Good Santa
There isn't much to say other than 'take the belt off'

Bad Santa
Now this may come as a shock.  I love Richard Riehle more than anyone on earth but he doesn't make a hot Santa.  I can't explain it - the combination of Santa and Riehle should cause all my underwear to explode but he just doesn't suit it.  I know what you are thinking - that pic looks ok to me but look at the pic below.  It just doesn't work.

Good Santa
Now Charles Durning on the other hand makes a great Santa.  And who knew that Angela Lansbury had such a large muff?

Bad Santa
If I have to tell you what is wrong here, there is no hope for you

Good Santa
Santa Claus: The Movie may have sucked reindeer ballbags but Dan Huddleston looked the part (except for the hair).  Big and strong and hung like a horse.

Bad Santa
Pretty much everything is wrong here.  Most annoying is that the guy playing Santa here is Jonathan G Meath who is actually really hot (he is a producer and actor).  See below for evidence

Good Santa

Edmund Gwenn from the original 'Miracle of 34th St' is my favourite Santa.  Not just because he was cute.  He is exactly what Santa should be.  Kind looking, friendly, magical.  And gay.

"Ummm...yeah....I forgot about you kid.  I was really only trying to bone your mother's boyfriend"

"You know...I've never killed a woman with a letter opener before but you are making me consider it"

Very Very Good Santas!

And, erm, some others......



The sternest Santa you will ever see



  1. What can I say? The good ones are very, very good and the bad ones look horrid (especially the last one which is pure slasher movie material).

  2. You're all wet about that Riehle Santa, mogan; take a closer look - what's that he's holding, a candle or an all-day sucker, deliciously disguised as a candy-cane? And look how he's holding it! That two-finger action rubs it just the right way, I'll bet. Reconsider, please; 'High Holidays' is a great Santa - and he'll no doubt show up soon on some other nearby, dirty picture blog. In fact, I can guarantee it. He has that nasty, anticipatory 'I'm-just-about-to-come' look on his face, too. He's the best one of all.

    Hope you're enjoying your end-of-year celebrations, mogan.